Articles – Page 4 – Changing the World Through Children

Easing the transition when your child starts school

One of the most important rites of passage for both parents and children happens when we send our little darlings off to school for the first time. What an exciting, scary, bittersweet time for parent and child.

Some children march off to school and have no trouble whatsoever settling in. For others, it can be more traumatic. And there is nothing worse than leaving your child in the throes of separation and stranger anxiety when you want so desperately to relieve them of this despair.

My son happily went off to school for the first three days of kindergarten. But the following Monday he decided he had had enough. When we started out to meet the bus, he ran around the house and in through the back door sobbing that he wanted to stay home. My neighbor stepped in, bless her heart, walking and cajoling him to the bus stop. That was the day I cried.

If your child’s anxiety gets the better of them, you will be faced with the agony of tearing yourself away as s/he is begging you not to leave. Their apprehension is so understandable when you consider that this is a whole new experience and your child has no idea what to expect.

Following are some ideas that may help in the transition for you and your child.

Before the first day, plan to visit the school with your little person during a day when the teacher is in the classroom. A Visitors Week or some other event is sometimes set up for this purpose. Otherwise, call the school and leave a message for the teacher to call and arrange a convenient time to visit.

There are numerous story books about starting school. Helping a child to visualize beforehand what will occur, is very beneficial. The Kissing Hand, a lovely story by Audrey Penn, is especially helpful in dealing with separation anxiety, and worth reading with your child before school starts.

Finding a small token for your child to keep in their pocket to remind them that you love them and will be back soon can be a great comfort.

Make a special day of your child’s first day in school. Start the day with a nutritious breakfast of eggs or fruit and toast or whole grain cereal. A breakfast loaded with sugar merely aggravates the emotional upheaval your little one experiences and will make things more difficult for your child, yourself, and the teacher.

If your child wants to bring their favorite doll or stuffed animal to keep them company, let them. Explain that if this little “friend” is too disruptive, the doll or teddy may have to wait in their backpack until it is time to go home.

The first day of preschool or kindergarten is often shortened to allow the children to gradually become accustomed to this new environment. Tell your child that you will be back when it’s time to go home. Give them a frame of reference as to how long that will be (e.g., if it is going to be an hour, say, “That’s how long Sesame Street is on.”)

Plan with your child that when you come back, you will have a special date and go out for lunch or to the playground.

Talk about your child’s feelings. (“It’s a little bit scary when…” or “ I feel that way sometimes too, but you know what? It always, always gets better.”) When I tell young children that I always feel shy on the first day, it validates their feelings and empowers them to feel braver.

Tell your child that some kids become upset when their parents leave, and suggest that if that happens, they can make a special effort to make friends with that child.

Even if a child is distraught, it is much easier for all of you if you just leave (although sneaking out is usually not a good idea). Your hesitation just proves that there is reason to be afraid!

Do not let your child see you cry in this situation.

A child’s distress passes much more quickly if you make a clean break. Once when my husband and I were leaving one of the kids with a sitter, when we left them in his room he was crying- until we reached the first landing.

When you bring your child in the morning, explain that when it’s time for you (the parent) to leave, you will leave, but will be back when it’s time to go home. Then leave! More often than not, a child is distracted enough within the first five minutes to enjoy the day so much that he doesn’t want to leave when it is time to go.

In the parking lot after they have deposited their children, parents sometimes organize meeting for coffee. What better time to support one another in a time of doubt, and start meeting the parents of your child’s new friends?

-RDW (2005, revised 2010)

We all make mistakes

All too often in our struggles to maintain control over a situation, we lose perspective. There are times when what starts out to be a minor annoyance gets blown up out of proportion as a result of the exhaustion and frustration of our day. We have all been in a situation where emotions run so high that they no longer reflect the issue at hand. Something else in our lives (a previous grudge, anger with a spouse, stress at work, financial worries) has impeded our ability respond appropriately.

As a result of hanging on to the residue of hurt and resentment from an earlier interaction, we make mistakes. We respond inappropriately, or misjudge a situation and make false accusations.

Once when I was 8 years old, my mother misunderstood what I said and was convinced that I had used a curse word. She slapped me across the face and forbade me to attend a street fair that we had looked forward to for months, sending me instead to spend the day in my room.

She would not listen to my side of the story, and the punishment so far exceeded the crime. This did not teach me not to swear, but that the world is an unfair place and if I’m going to be punished for nothing, maybe I should do naughty things so at least I will deserve the punishment.

When we are completely frazzled at the end of a long day, we are more likely to respond inappropriately as we reach the end of our rope. We tend to forget that the little people in our lives are only 3 or 6 years old, and that their lack of response is not necessarily a conscious ploy to test or disobey.

Once after nagging my son to pick up his toys, to no avail, I stormed into the play room and said, “You want to play in a mess? I’ll give you a mess!”, and proceeded to dump every last toy in the room onto the floor.

I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself! On some level I had realized things were spiraling beyond the limits of rationality, but didn’t have the wherewithal to take appropriate action or let go of it. After a few minutes I went back to apologize, and we put the toys away together.

Parenting is such an important and difficult job. Usually, the only training we receive is the example set by our own parents. There is no mandatory preparation for dealing with the multitude of situations that arise. We have to make on the spot decisions, and at times we simply react without thinking something through. Even the best and most well-intentioned of parents sometimes act in ways that are harmful to a child. We all make mistakes.

Once when the kids were small it became too quiet in the other room, and upon further investigation I discovered my son and the little girl from down the street playing “doctor”. I knew what they were doing, but rather than telling them that this was not okay and letting it go at that, I proceeded to insist that they tell me what they were doing. A deeply humiliated five-year-old ran home in tears, telling her mother that she was never coming back to our house, ever again!

Thankfully, I realized my mistake and sent the child a note of apology, after which she continued to run through the house with all the other neighborhood kids as if they were part of the family. Years later she told me how much that note meant to her at the time.

Don’t think that it is beneath your dignity to apologize. An honest apology when something like this happens serves to make amends, allows children to see that we all make mistakes, and makes it easier to let go of the guilt we are all too willing as parents to heap upon ourselves. -RDW (7-5-10)

Tricks of the trade

When raising children, we need to learn how to mold their behavior in a way that is desirable and socially acceptable. This is no easy task. Wanting to be your child’s friend seems more appealing than being the one to set limits and enforce consequences. But kids want to be given guidelines and to know what to expect. A child without boundaries cannot develop self control, and lives in a world of chaos. This is not a pleasant place to be.

Daily routine is critical, as are consistency in expectations, and consequences to undesirable behavior, Make your expectations perfectly clear and follow through with consequences even if it would be easier to let things slide. Raising “good” kids is hard work.

Make sure your child’s day involves fresh air and plenty of exercise. A long walk or trip to the playground, weather permitting; or dancing, pretending to be every kind of animal you can think of, running up and down the stairs, will serve you well. There are numerous videos leading children in various forms of exercise. This will bode well for nap time too!

Give up the expectation of keeping an immaculate house, although teaching children to pick up toys as they are finished with them and before getting something else out is win-win for everyone: more room to play and easier clean-up at the end of the day.

It is not necessary or desirable to keep children occupied every minute, because then they don’t learn to entertain themselves.

There are certain things that work really well in changing the level and type of energy in the house. Getting everyone to take three deep breaths rarely fails. Calming music helps keep the level of craziness down. We used to have an aquarium that served as time out. Putting the kids (and/or myself!) in front of the fish tank worked like magic in calming all of us down; and you can have great conversations while watching the fish!

Read to your kids every day. Not only will you teach your children a love of reading, it is a way to take a break from the madness.

Rotate the toys. If you keep some of the toys in the attic and bring them down while putting others away for a time, it’s like getting a whole bunch of new things to play with. Even when the kids are developmentally beyond certain toys, they are certain to find other uses for them. When a command to pick up their toys elicits minimal response from little ones, singing the Clean-up Song often helps to move things along. (I often think it is their way of getting me to stop singing).

Most useful in getting a child to do what needs to be done is to make a game of it. Challenging the kids to do what is required before you count to 20 is a most effective ploy for getting them to comply. I used to count all the time when my kids were little: “See if you can go to the bathroom before I count to 25; go get your shoes before I count to 10… It almost always works.

Note: Many years later, I asked my 19 year old son to go bring something up from downstairs. Upon his refusal, I said “see if you can do it before I count to 10.” First he rolled his eyes and said “no!” “1…2…3….4.. you better hurry!” He started to get antsy as this look of confusion came over his face before he took off, returning just as I got to 10! It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Always remember, as tough as things get, they always always get better, and your head will spin at how quickly the time goes by.

Grocery shopping with little kids can be fun??!

When I see parents in the store with their little ones, I feel so nostalgic for the days when I made an occasion of going for groceries with my four little boys. If you plan ahead, don’t shop when you or your child is tired or hungry, and agree on simple rewards for good behavior (stopping at the park, playing a game when you get home, reading an extra bedtime story), grocery shopping with kids can transform a necessary chore into a fun and educational adventure,

We have all been at the grocery store when a child is throwing a temper tantrum for want of a toy or candy that has caught his (or her) eye. Once you give in to a child’s tantrum, he knows that you can be manipulated to do his will. Children quickly learn that certain behaviors pay off, even if only occasionally.

This is where being consistent in expectations and consequences becomes critical.

Ignore inappropriate behavior unless it is dangerous, destructive, embarrassing or annoying to others. If we refuse to reward a screaming fit even for the sake of peace, then it quickly becomes an embarrassment to the child, and is removed from the repertoire of behaviors called upon to manipulate parents and other adults.

Early on, my favorite child care author was Penelope Leach. She gave me one of the best bits of advice I ever received. In response to a fervent plea for the object of a child’s desire, this works like magic: it’s called wishful thinking. When one cookie isn’t enough and a little one insists on another , try this: “I know! I wish I could have six cookies. I wish I could eat the whole bag of cookies!” or, “I wish I could get the red car and the green car!” It works.

Remember that kids are not perfect. Children are impulsive. They need your help to learn how to behave at the store. Talking with the kids about behavioral expectations (manners, not touching things or being wild, staying close to the cart), before you go to the store makes all the difference in the world.

Understanding that most rules are for safety gives them legitimacy. “If you run around you might break something or run into someone’s Grandma or Grandpa, and someone could get hurt. ”

As long as I remembered to lay out my expectations in advance, we were able to get in and out of the store without incident. But I found that if I forgot to remind them, we often paid the price. There were times that I had to abandon my cart and take the kids right out of the store to calm down.

Kids don’t like being out of control any more than we do. If things have escalated to this point, take your distraught child aside, look him in the eye and tell him quietly but firmly that his behavior is unacceptable. Wait, saying nothing, for your child to calm down. When he or she is calm, ask if he is ready to try again. If he cannot calm down, leave, and return to the store later.

At these times we tend to feel so embarrassed that we want to flee from other shoppers as well. We need to remind ourselves that many people in the store have been in the same situation and understand that this behavior is not necessarily a reflection of our parenting.

Setting limits is good for everyone. A child who has no restrictions, lives in chaos. Children will test the limits we set, but if we remain consistent, then there is no need for a huge struggle. You both know what the boundaries are, and if they are significantly crossed, there are consequences. It’s just the way things are.- RDW (10-25-09)

Learning to get along together

No matter who we are, at some point in our daily walks through life, we encounter someone we just don’t like (or someone who dislikes us) for no apparent reason other than we rub each other the wrong way.

I see this condition arise among people over and over again—in the politics of a workplace, as a cause of upheaval among church congregations, within civic organizations, even on public transportation (“I refuse to ride with that bus driver!”).

I’m sure every one of us has had this reaction to someone with whom we must come into contact. Does this mean we have to rally others to stand with us against this person, or to stop attending something that is meaningful to us? We must remember that our response to these types of situations sets an example for our children.

Given the opportunity, children become quite good at working things out between themselves. They cannot, however, be expected to do so just because we tell them to. We need to give them the specific words necessary to effectively express themselves: “I don’t like it when you say this, or do that, or treat me this way—it makes me feel bad. Please stop!”, or “I’m using this right now, you can use it when I’m finished with it.” It never ceases to amaze me how quickly children respond to each other once they learn to communicate in this way.

Even as children become teens, we will find it necessary to remind them again and again how important it is to practice this kind of communication in order to get along in the world. Indeed, a lesson once learned the hard way runs over us like a train in a completely different situation, sometimes over and over.

We need to remember to learn from their example as well. Because young children live so in the moment they are able to let go of a disagreement without holding a grudge.

Children will mirror the way they see us behaving, regardless of what we tell them. We forget how much little ones pick up from eavesdropping on conversations we hold in their presence, conversations not intended for little ears. It can be quite shocking to hear the things that come out of the mouths of babes until we realize that they are parroting our very choices in words and intonations.

When I encounter a difficult relationship, I know there is a little girl inside who is reacting to something that happened long ago, and I need to remind myself that I am beautiful, capable, and competent adult.

We have a most powerful role in helping to shape these young people entrusted to our care. Rather than allowing ourselves to be sucked into feelings that are petty and mean (we all do it), we need to put principles before personality and remember that children follow our lead.

RDW (2006, revised 2010)

Independence leads to responsibility

There’s a lot of work in any family, particularly if there are young children involved. Everyone must be fed, clothed, and organized. Many of us tend to help a child with a task, either because we don’t realize that they are old enough to do something themselves, or because we don’t have the patience to wait around while they do it. I remember when my youngest was two-years old, he used to exclaim “Self!” whenever we tried to assist him in any way. It was great-unless we were in a hurry!

Three- and four-year-olds are old enough to do lots of things: get dressed, put on their own shoes and jacket, and pick up after themselves. But we must show them how, often more than once because they don’t have the experience to have gained that knowledge.

You can help your preschooler in asserting his/her independence by buying clothes that she/he can put on by himself. It is helpful to everyone if you send your young child out into the day with Velcro shoes and pull-up, elastic wasted pants, as it not always convenient to interrupt what we are doing to buckle overalls or put together a complicated outfit. Teach with patience, as many times as it takes, how to use buckles, buttons, snaps and zippers. Most three- or four-year-olds are old enough to learn these things. If we miss the window of opportunity when children are eager to try things for themselves, they become perfectly content keeping you in their service.

As a child becomes older, and is able to do more for himself, he can and should assume some of the load of family life. Here are some ways to get your kids to pitch in:

* Make sure responsibilities are clearly understood. If your children are not used to helping out, have a meeting to discuss why they must get involved. Involve everyone in the family when assigning jobs.

* Make yours an equal opportunity household. Boys should learn about food preparation and laundering clothes. Girls need to learn how to handle simple tools. Household chores can be a way of giving your kids survival skills for later life.

* Develop “no-nag” methods of reminding children of their responsibilities. Some families post a chart on the refrigerator. Each day, family members check off their jobs as they complete them. When I add myself and the jobs I am expected to accomplish, it puts things in perspective for everyone else in the family. My sister-in-law told me her secret as I shared my frustration over my children’s lack of willingness to do something when asked: Before the kids get up, write a list of the days expectations for each child, with the admonition that these tasks must be completed before they go out the door, watch TV, or get on the computer. By doing this, it is the paper telling them what they need to do, alleviating much of the nagging noise we are horrified to hear coming out of our mouths.

* Don’t redo chores your kids have done. If a job can only be done your way, then you have to do it. Redoing a job is hurtful to a child’s feelings, and can lead to learned incompetence: the discovery that if I don’t do a job well enough, I won’t be asked to do it! On the other hand, if you are clear with your expectations from the beginning, and insist that the job be done well (not necessarily perfectly) then you are helping to teach them a good work ethic.

* Finally, help your kids learn that freedom and responsibility go hand in hand. As they do more, they should also expect more freedom: the privilege of having a friend over, pick of TV show (within reason!), what to do for a special treat, or choices in how to spend their free time.

Teaching independence and responsibility is a win-win situation for everyone. Teachers say that children who have learned to accept jobs at home are better able to accept being in charge of their own learning. And it will improve your quality of life as well! (RDW 9-17-09)

Practicing the art of letting go

You are feeling desperate to get your youngest potty trained and he absolutely refuses. Your teenagers are making bad choices. You can’t get your spouse to stop drinking. You’re involved in a relationship that is not progressing in the direction you were hoping for. Your parents are aging and you are no longer able to care for them yourself. Someone at work can’t stand you for no apparent reason. The world seems to be falling apart and there is nothing you can do about it.

Things that we are powerless over happen every day as we scurry through our lives.

My first conscious experience of letting go was when I was in college and needed to get to a final exam on the other campus, and the shuttle bus was running late. I was fervently praying for the bus to appear, willing the traffic to make way for us, the lights to be green, when it occurred to me that I would be late and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

When raising children, it is critical to learn the art of letting go. Priorities drastically change and we must sacrifice so much of what had previously been taken for granted: time to oneself, intelligent conversation with another adult, time with friends, order, routine, sleep, a complete thought, and the freedom to just be.

As parents we feel so protective of our progeny that we want to spare them the pain of growing up. We are inclined to intervene on their behalf when it is better to let them stand up for themselves.

Letting go is to allow learning through natural consequences. For instance, I have known many well- meaning parents to drop everything to take lunch, gym clothes or a musical instrument to their elementary student, over and over again. I was not in a position to do this, so my children learned after once having to borrow lunch money or beg off of friends; wearing the spare set of clothes kept in the phys ed department for this purpose; and having to sit through music lessons despite the fact that they didn’t have an instrument to play. Meanwhile, the parent who enables this forgetfulness to go on, continues running back and forth to school several times a month.

Letting go is understanding that you can’t do it for someone else. Your child is the one who needs to finish a project in the way s/he sees fit. You can guide and even assist if asked, but if you do it for him, he is learning that he is incompetent. On the other hand, if the teacher makes him do it over, he learns that more is expected of him.

Letting go is allowing someone to be who they are without judgment. For example, nothing we do or say will change someone who tends to be messy and disorganized into a neatnik. Changing the way we react to a child’s cluttered room (helping to clean it, or closing the door on the mess) is much less frustrating than beating our head against the wall with endless nagging.

Letting go is not trying to arrange outcomes of other people’s lives, for we each have our own lessons to learn. When we assert ourselves on behalf of our children by defending them when they get in trouble, or are graded unfairly, or not chosen for the lead in a play, we are denying them the experience and satisfaction of standing up for themselves, or coming to terms with a decision that affects them. Children grow from these experiences, and if we intervene every time they encounter a bit of rough going, they cannot learn to become independent.

There are days when the Serenity Prayer becomes my mantra: Accept the things I cannot change (e.g., my child’s temperament, the choices other people make); change the things I can; and hope that I am wise enough to know the difference. I repeat it over and over and over to the exclusion of the relentless negative thoughts that are making me miserable (he thinks I’m stupid and unreasonable; I’m always the bad guy; they don’t take me seriously). Compartmentalizing a situation in this way makes it tremendously more manageable.

Children are champs at letting go. If they squabble amongst themselves, they move on as quickly as they are distracted from the current bone of contention. They have so much to teach us. Once I threw my arms up in exasperation and pleaded “what am I going to do with you?” My wise little 2 ½ year old replied, “Hug me.” – RDW (07-03-10)

Napping is not optional

Make no mistake. Little kids will take a nap if it is routine and non-negotiable. It’s true. Nap time needs to be a priority, not worked around errands and phone calls and play dates.

You will notice that children sleep more during a growth spurt. That’s what children do; no matter how often you admonish them to stop growing, they grow. There must be a routine for sleep.

Be consistent about when it is time for nap. When my kids were little, if nap time was to work, we had to have lunch and cleanup behind us between 12:15 and 12:45 or they would get their second wind and be going strong until late afternoon when they would either fall apart completely or crash until bed time. Some of my friends gave me such a hard time for being so anal about it, but my kids (and I!) were so much happier for our days revolving around nap time.

Plenty of fresh air, light and exercise before hand needs to be part of the routine. (One of our favorite things to do when our kids were little was to find out when the marching band practiced and chase them around the block a couple of times.)

Good timing

If you give your kids a wholesome lunch such as whole grains, dairy products, rice and eggs to name a few, these will help to encourage sleep because they contain tryptophan, an amino acid that promotes sleep. Giving children junk food for lunch is certain to sabotage your efforts.

Establish a nap routine. Just like adults, kids need a few minutes to wind down if they’ve been running around. Story time and a song is a good prelude. If you do this routinely with your kids, they will begin to associate the activity with falling asleep.

Pull the shades down, turn off the tv and the ringer on the phone. You might want to play soft music. After the kids are asleep, use the time for yourself- reading, writing, dozing, doing something creative. The housework can wait. Taking that time for yourself will make you a better parent.

It is so unfortunate that generally speaking, a nice nap in the early afternoon is frowned upon. I have always had a hard time staying awake after lunch. In fact, when I was working in the field of social work, I learned quickly not to schedule appointments with clients between the hours of one and three in the afternoon. It is amazing how intolerant people can be when you drift off as they are baring their soul. So I would bring a jolt of caffeine to my office and do paperwork during that time. And remain sluggish for the afternoon. Then I discovered the magic of putting my head down on my desk for 20 minutes.

Bad timing

I have mentioned that when my children were young, my soul purpose in the mornings was to wear them out so they would all go down for a nice long nap. When they eventually outgrew naps (after they became accustomed to kindergarten), I remained cranky and lethargic until the end of the day. Until I realized that naps are as beneficial to us as they are for kids. In fact, as Sarah Ban Breathnach, author of Simple Abundance proclaims, “If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, napping is not optional.”

Several years ago, I was blessed with the gift of being surrogate mother to a one- year-old boy. In my effort to make his time in strange surroundings with people he did not know less lonely, I stayed in the room with him as he went down for nap, so that he would not wake up completely adrift, not knowing where he was. Little did I (and does he!) know that he gave me one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.

Nap time offers an opportunity to let go of the mayhem. Not to be confused with sleeping, a nap is a chance to drift for a moment from the turmoil, to experience your inner being, your soul, the essence of who you are… That state of half sleep allows you to work out creative solutions to any number of things. Having gotten into the routine of letting my self be quiet, I realized how critical to the contentment of my soul this disconnect time has become. When I am finished, I can get up and do another full days work. RDW(4-30-10)

Opening the lines of communication

As parents we often find fault with ourselves, and with the prospect of a New Year, tell ourselves that this year will be different: I will be more patient. I will spend more quality time with the kids. I will be a better parent.

As sincere as our intentions might be, a plan is needed to succeed in accomplishing such lofty goals.

We all have struggles with our children. We have our day to day spats, but sometimes the same issue becomes a repeated bone of contention. So often we find ourselves entering into the same fight (over chores, discipline, money, personal time, family expectation…) over and over. The more frustrated we feel, the more unreasonable we become, the less likely we are to reach an acceptable compromise. Round and round we go in a circular dance that goes nowhere.

A change in our approach to the problem is required.

Family meetings are a most useful tool in raising a family. They provide an opportunity to discuss allocation of responsibility, plan family activities, and resolve conflict. Having a planned agenda helps to stay focused on the matter at hand, and can be created through the week as issues arise. Topics might include chores, menu planning, discipline, upcoming events and appointments, planning time together as a family, use of television and computer, or anything important in the life of your family.

One of my biggest frustrations was getting the kids to follow through with their chores. Creating a job chart made the expectations for each family member clear and was useful to a certain extent. Finally, we allowed the children to decide among themselves if they would rather rotate setting and clearing the table, doing the dishes, cleaning the counter and sweeping the floor, or choose one job to keep as theirs for the week, or month (or years as it turned out in our case). If one member of the family did not follow through with their obligations, it bollixed up the whole routine. If privileges were lost as a result, in the next meeting the others had a say about that: “How can I do my job if he doesn’t do his?” or “If you don’t do your share, someone else has to do it and that’s not fair” They responded to pressure placed on them by their siblings more readily than to my incessant nagging.

Menu planning allows each person to have a say in what kinds of things will be for dinner in the coming week. You might let everyone have their pick one night a week, or you may decide to plan by consensus. Choosing what they have for dinner is not only a privilege, it is a responsibility, and healthy choices need to be made. This is where your guidance comes in: “Would you rather have beans or carrots?”

When kids have a say in things that are important to them, satisfactory compromises can be more easily reached. Even children as young as three years old are able to participate in these kinds of conversations if they are presented in terms of simple choices.

During the week, various issues arise between siblings: bullying, territorial disputes, impact of one not doing his or her job. When the kids participate in the decisions regarding consequences and conflict resolution, they begin learning to consider how their actions affect others.

So much of the everyday conflict inherent in raising kids can be avoided by discussing issues during a time when we are not in the middle of a heated argument. Letting the children participate in deciding how family matters are resolved allows them to see that they are an integral part of the family unit, and that it is important for us to work together. Having a time set aside to bring all concerned in on the decision making process, clarifies expectations, improves communication, and unites the family in a common purpose. -RDW (1-7-2010)

Coping with the loss of a pet

Many people with children recognize the value of including pets in the family constellation. Pets provide remarkable lessons in friendship and love, responsibility, and the circle of life. They are unabashedly thrilled to see us at the end of a tough day, a comfort to us when we are sad, and love us when we feel unlovable. Before long, they have become an integral part of the family.

It is not unusual then, for children to be faced with saying goodbye when a pet dies. How parents respond to such a significant event as the death of a loved one determines how a child is able to understand and to cope with the loss.

We must always remember that young children tend to take the things we say literally:

I have known parents to explain Grandfather’s death in such a way that during the next encounter with an elderly woman in her church, one little girl blurts out, “I hope you die.” She is completely baffled by the reaction her innocent remark elicits from her elders, and has no idea what she has done to upset everyone.

A cherished pet bunny dies while a little boy is out playing. The corpse is whisked into the backyard for burial by well-meaning parents trying to spare the child “unnecessary” pain. Without having had the opportunity to say a proper goodbye, this boy carries the unresolved anger and grief for years.

What happens in a child’s imagination when they are “protected” from the experience of death can be more traumatic than the occurrence of the emotional pain necessary to lead to acceptance. Telling him or her that Grandma has gone to sleep forever is a terrifying analogy: we all go to sleep. “Does that mean that each time someone I love goes to sleep they may really be dead? If I go to sleep, will I be dead too?”

When children are allowed to experience death as a part of life, to see and touch and talk about the body of a pet who has been found dead in it’s cage, to bury a goldfish rather than flushing it down the toilet, is far less traumatizing than what they are capable of conjuring in their imaginations. They are able to see that the the only difference is that the spirit which has made their friend who they were, has left the body.

It is okay for children to observe your grief in the face of death, as long as it is not an overly dramatic display.

It is a mistake to run out and get an immediate replacement for the absent pet, for there can be no replacement. Time is necessary to work through our loss.

This is a good time of year to talk about the circle of life. Children are able to begin to understand that death leads to rebirth when as a flower dies, it creates seeds for new flowers; the leaves on the trees die to make room for new growth. Taking advantage of the teachable moments we encounter in our days becomes invaluable as we point out that a bird lying on the ground no longer contains the life which allowed it to build a nest and lay eggs and sing and fly.

Children are able accept that death is a part of life, to learn that it needs to occur to create room for new life. Talking about death openly allows children to feel sad, while coming to a certain understanding which replaces fear of the unknown.

Leaving for college August 2008

Throughout the years my children have wrapped their mice, rats, birds and hedgehog in soft bedding, dug holes and created monuments to their beloved little friends. But following is a blueprint of a blessed farewell experience that I would wish for any family suffering the loss of a furry, scaly, spiked or feathered companion.

Our cat Acorn had been with us for 14 years and watching her rapid decline was devastating. She disappeared and was found in her severely weakened state in the creek after she had presumably gone off to die.

Not knowing whose kitty it was, this kind neighbor made the decision to have her cared for, not realizing that the situation was hopeless. Animal Rescue came, the woman agreed to pay all bills incurred. She also made a donation to the rescue facility for coming to retrieve the cat. Then she started calling neighbors in attempt to locate its owner. Another neighbor told me our beloved pet had been found. She had been taken to emergency at an animal care facility.

When I was apprised of the situation I had to make the decision to euthanize her. Another friend arranged her following day to allow for me to be with our kitty while she was being euthanized, I held her in my arms, looking into her eyes while the vet administered the injection.

I was given some time alone with her to say goodbye. As I stepped out of the procedure room with her tucked away in a little coffin-like box, a song played on the radio that was a perfect tribute to her and the connection we shared, especially at the end of her life.

For weeks after she died we still expected her to come running between the bushes at the end of the driveway when we got home, or to scold us for not being around when we open the door to come in.

R.I.P. Acorn (May 1994-Sept 2008)

Our sons came home for her burial on a cold and rainy weekend. We stood in the rain for a good half hour, sharing our memories of her, laughing about our lives together, quiet with our thoughts as we listened to the rain falling through the leaves in the trees while twittering birds flocked in apparent celebration of her dear soul. It was a wonderful, magical sending off which was deeply comforting, and it was with reluctance that we pulled ourselves away from her graveside to enter our warm dry home. -RDW (10-23-09)