Behavior Management – Page 2 – Changing the World Through Children

Another look at defining a parent’s role

Over the years I have noticed a definite shift in the current approach to parenting. It seems to me that many, many parents are more concerned with being a child’s friend than being the one who sets limits and enforces discipline.

In the more extreme cases, there is no attempt to correct inappropriate behavior. These parents believe that it is best to allow kids to fully express themselves in the way that the child sees fit, and that by interfering with his actions, they are somehow limiting the capacity for him to be who he is.

As a result these kids walk all over their parents, becoming the literal ruler of the home-(”You can’t tell me what to do-I’ll come when I’m good and ready”). These children tend to show little consideration for the rights and property of others, steamrolling their way through public venues and other people’s homes. Meanwhile the parents are helpless to intervene, if not oblivious to the upheaval their kids are creating.

Once when I was at a gathering with my young children, a little boy came up to my three- year-old son and bashed him in the side of the head with a rock. Mama Bear (myself in protective mode) snatched that kid up, set him on the steps and admonished, “Don’t you ever do that again! That hurts!!” He immediately got up and ran crying over to his father who responded in a sing song voice, “oh, you shouldn’t do that…”

At the other end of the continuum is the over protective, controlling parent who doesn’t let their child out of their sight, demands perfection, or constantly steps in on the child’s behalf, thereby not allowing him a chance to work things out for himself or learn from his mistakes.

Neither one of these approaches is fair to the child.

In order for a person to become a well-adjusted and productive member of society, he needs to be allowed to discover who he is, and how to navigate societal expectations. Among other things, this involves learning self discipline and manners, how to work out peaceful resolutions to conflict, and being allowed to identify one’s own talents and passions.

Children are not able to do this without guidance in terms of defining what behaviors are unacceptable (e.g., being disrespectful, hurting others, stealing, lying, breaking things), and providing suitable consequences for misbehavior.

Don’t be afraid to be firm; but keep in mind that use of force only teaches a child to be angry and fearful, and that power is what counts.

Consequences for misbehavior should make sense to a child:

Time out to collect himself when he loses self-control (a simple rule of thumb is one minute per year of age);

Loss of privileges if responsibilities have not been fulfilled;
Restitution or replacement of property that has been damaged;
Returning a stolen object in person.

A child with clear limits knows where he stands. Being inconsistent confuses him and makes him try harder to get away with everything that he can. If he expects a certain outcome each time he misbehaves in this manner, he learns that it is not okay to act this way, and if he does, there are consequences.

Before you give an ultimatum, ask yourself whether you plan to carry out this action, or is this an empty threat- one that you have no intention of following through with. Empty threats (e.g., “If you won’t put your toys away, you won’t have any toys!” or “If you don’t come now, I’m leaving you here!”) are a desperate attempt to regain control over a situation, and children will challenge you to see who is actually in control.

If you give a warning that you intend to follow through on, make sure that it is an appropriate consequence to the misbehavior, and that it is fair to everyone involved. Don’t punish yourself and other family members for one child’s misbehavior (“If you don’t load the dishwasher right now we are not going to the movies”)

Parents need to come to an agreement regarding discipline, otherwise children gain the upper hand by playing one parent off of the other. Above all, strive to be consistent. Make clear your expectations and follow through with appropriate disciplinary measures as necessary. RDW (7-5-10)

Booking the lives of children

When my children were young they played Little League baseball and attended scouts. Many of our friends’ children did as well, in addition to their piano lessons, dance, karate, and church school.

It seemed as I spoke with other parents that this level of involvement with extra curricular activities was the norm and I began to question my own instincts to let the kids have the time I thought was necessary for creative play, for discovering who they are without being bombarded with scheduled activities. In a moment of self-doubt, I asked my sons if they felt gypped because their friends got to do all of these things and they didn’t. “No! I like to play!”

And play they did. They built forts and went in search of stream critters and made treasure maps and played Hide and Seek and Capture the Flag. They had neighborhood Olympics and read great books, created masterpieces with sidewalk chalk, made potions, climbed trees, kept detailed notes as they spied on one another, had back yard carnivals, and played kick ball.

It was a rare occurrence to hear them complain that they were bored. TV time, including video, was limited to an hour per day. Computer time was limited to 30 minutes per day, or an hour after they turned ten to accommodate more sophisticated activities.

So many kids today have little time just to be. There is so much pressure on us as parents to live up to the standards of the people around us. I want to laugh and cry when I see the Baby Einstein and educational materials designed to create little geniuses and when the children can’t live up to being the best, most brilliant, most athletic, most fashionable kid on the block, excelling at each thing put before them, then clearly they (or their parents) are a failure. What pressure they endure from the most well meaning of loved ones!

I have come to believe that the thing that matters most is that they are fully aware of their own inner light, that they are able to call on their inner resources: creativity, courage, contentedness, acceptance, forgiveness, and happiness. Allowing the time to discover who they are in this world without the constant intervention on the part of the adults in their lives. Guidance yes. Loving support and encouragement, by all means. But trying to mold them into the some preconceived notion of perfection, or into the person we wish we had become can only be detrimental to their well-being.- RDW (6-26-07)

A rhythm to our days

Rhythms are a constant throughout our lives. We start life hearing mother’s heart beat. The rhythm of mother’s body brings us into this world. We breathe, our hearts beat. Night brings day brings night… the moon cycles, the seasons change, the waves crash upon the shore eternally, and we listen to the clock ticking in sleepless night.

Rhythm is the heart of life. It makes perfect sense then that children need a predictable routine to their lives.
As the summer starts to wind down, it is our job to help children begin to get into their fall routine a couple of weeks before school begins. The lazy days of summer have swept us away in a different whirlwind of activity, and most of us are quite exhausted from the frantic pace we have managed to keep despite every intention to relax a bit. We tend to forget that recovering from the “jet lag” of this transition does not happen overnight.
Back in the days when I was home with my toddlers, we settled into a routine. Out of the house by 9:30 (rain or shine which took some doing with four kids!), an almost daily walk downtown took an hour and a half in the cold months, three hours in the warm weather to allow for inspection of anthills and spiders weaving their webs, watching caterpillars munch, and dropping leaves and sticks into the stream. Not to mention sitting on every rock and stump we encountered, and climbing through the cluster of bushes we called the “jungle” on the corner. On the days we went to the playground, we stopped to wade in the creek in search of crawdads and other critters.

Regardless of what we were doing, my full intent for the morning was to wear those kids out so they would take a good long nap! Timing was everything. We had to get back home for lunch without the babies falling asleep on the last leg of our journey, for even a ten minute snooze would not only blow the luxury of peace and quiet; they would awaken the moment the stroller rolled to a stop, and be rested enough that they would instead nap from 4:30-7:30 and be awake half the night.

So much for early to bed!

Likewise, if they didn’t go down for nap before 12:45 pm at the latest, they would get their second wind only to crash in the late afternoon. This was to be avoided at all costs.

After nap: snack, another walk around the block, and then Mr. Rogers and Disney while dinner was being prepared. Dinner, baths, story time, bedtime. Our house ran like clockwork as I realized that really, children do need rhythm to their day.
Rhythms are at the very core of our existence. While a certain amount of flexibility is necessary and desirable, having a routine helps us to feel grounded and in control of our lives. It takes so much of the struggle out of our days when the children know when it is time to get dressed and why, when they can expect snack or lunch, and when it is time to go to sleep.

We all want to know what to expect. It is a consolation to parents as well, allowing us to anticipate a break from the wonderful mayhem that is childhood!
RDW 8-8-09